Today was my first no booze day in preparation for my Zerona treatments to begin on Monday. Could I remain alcohol free while I received Zerona treatments three times a week for the next month? Would I cave and have a cocktail anyway? No chance that would happen, not after I had already paid the money.
At cocktail time, I poured myself a large glass of ice water and topped it off with the juice of half a lemon, plus a slice on the rim. My glass looked festive and interesting, but had little kick. Should have used a lime.
Dinner without wine? More ice water with lemon plus a dash of fresh orange juice. Not so bad.
Monday came and I arrived, booze free, at the Zerona office. Signed in and waited in the spacious lobby. Even though Miss Jocelyn assured me this cool laser process would not hurt, I had my doubts.
A polite nurse ushered me into a treatment room and explained that I needed to take off my blouse and everything below the waist. For the required measurements, weight check, and photos, nurse indicated I should slip on the packaged pair of panties on the treatment bed. The “panties” were tiniest things I have ever seen. Little more than band of elastic the thickness of dental floss and a scratch pad sized modesty panel threaded through the elastic band. No competition for Victoria’s Secret.
After the necessary rigmarole, I stretched out the bed. Nice nurse wheeled a machine toward me and began adjusting the four goose-necked lights to shine on key place on my torso.
“Are you sure this isn’t going to hurt?” I asked.
“Absolutely. In fact, most people fall asleep during each one of the three twenty minute sessions.”
She gave me a pair of blue sunglasses to shield my eyes from any stray red laser beams. I waited in anticipation as she turned on the machine. Those, unlike the demonstration I saw on television, did no rotate but remained stationary.
“Well, how is it?” she asked.
“Don’t feel a thing,” I said.
“See, I told you,” she said. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes.” With that, she snapped off the lights. There I lay stretched out on a bed, wearing only my bra and paper panties under the glow of the now purple-to-me lasers. If this didn’t work, it would be one of the stupidest things I had ever done.
After another treatment in which the lasers were aimed at other areas, I flipped onto my tummy for the backside. Then, nurse wheeled the Zerona machine away while I turned onto my back, ready for the massage I’d been promised. She flipped on a massage machine while she slathered goopy gel on me. The machine made noise like the faulty washing machine I’d gotten rid of years ago. My massage was not the restful kind I received at spas in St. Helena.
I dressed and moved to the desk in the lobby for my final instruction. “Now, remember to use the Daily Firming Lotion both morning and evening. Be sure to wear your compression garment all day. Sleep in it, if you can.”
“Yep, I’ll do all that,” I said. “Squeezing into that Spanx thing reminded me of the girdles we wore during the sixties. I think those things were made of galvanized rubber.” No laughter.
“It’s very important to drink all the water you are supposed to. Remember. Divide your weight by two and that’s how many ounces you must drink every day. You’re your capsules twice a day. The Niacin and Ginko Biloba helps the fat release. And, you need to get at least thirty minutes of exercise as soon as possible after each Zerona session.”
“I’m on my way to the gym right now,” I said. “Plan to use the stationary bike for at least a half hour.”
“Good. We’ll see you on Wednesday.”
Was anything magic happening to my blubber? Was I going to be a slimmer me at the end of these sessions? What kind of enormous cocktail will I drink in a month?