Via the Internet I located several Zerona providers here in the San Francisco Bay Area. When I called, the cheerful service representative informed me that if I signed up and paid for twelve Zerona services that specific month, I would also additionally receive facial exfoliating treatments, and lower leg hair removal included in the price.
Good, I thought. A sale.
I scheduled an appointment at a facility in the Park Shadelands area of Walnut Creek. Armed with a list of seventy-two different questions (including are you absolutely sure this won’t hurt), I headed off to my Zerona consultation appointment. Miss Jocelyn escorted me to a conference room where we discussed what Zerona could do for me, what it was about, etc. Not a weight loss program, she said several times, but a mass fat loss plan. Good, I thought. Anything so there will be less of me. Zerona sessions are done three days a week for a month. I’m retired so getting there posed no problem.
Jocelyn delved into what I had to do to obtain optimum results. Lots of water every day, she said. No problem. I drink lots of water anyway. She said it is probably more than what you drink.
Said she, divide your weight by two and that is how many ounces of water to drink each day. At least. My real weight, I asked, or the weight on my drivers license? Jocelyn smiled silently. OK, I can do that, even though I’ll have to drink enough water to float a small battleship.
After each Zerona treatment, she continued, I would need to get no less than thirty minutes of aerobic exercise. No problem. I should be going to the gym more often anyway. And, you will have to give up coffee. Fine. I don’t drink coffee anyway. And, tea. Uh, oh. No tea? No matter how weak I brew it? No tea. All right. I only drink two cups a day. I can give that up for a month. And, she continued, you will have to give up all alcoholic beverages.
What! I knew there had to be a hitch in this it—doesn’t—hurt, non—invasive fat loss program. Are you kidding, I asked? No, not kidding at all. Alcohol slows the metabolism and makes fat—loss difficult to impossible.
Thank you very much, I said. I’ll think about it.
When I got home, I poured myself a vodka, slouched outdoors, and flopped down at the picnic table. I should have known this Zerona stuff was too good to be true. Could I really give up alcohol for an entire whole month? No evening cocktail on our deck with Darlin’ Bruce? No wine with dinner? Crud.
That will Susan do? Will she try Zerona? Can she give up booze for an entire month to achieve her goal? Tune in next week to find out.