Political Tips

Memo To:  Rich, politically inexperienced people who run for elected offices, in (but not limited to) California

Re:  How to win the race.  (Or, have you lost your mind?)

  1. Donate the $140+ million (from your own private money) for your campaign to the State Educational Fund and advertise what you have done so. (The California educational system ranks an abysmal 48th in the USA.  All funds welcome.)
  2. Announce that you will not accept the salary that comes along with the elected position.  (You’re already so rich that a governmental income would only serve to annoy your team of CPAs.)
  3. If you are now, or have in the past, employed an undocumented alien, don’t denounce them and advertise that “you didn’t know” their true immigration status.  (Sounds very much like “the dog ate my homework.) Instead, say you’re sorry for the oversight (try to sound sincere when you say it), and offer to pay for that person’s legal assistance.  (If all else fails, the illegal can claim political asylum.  Here in the US, we don’t like to send folks back to countries where they will be shot, tortured, beaten or jailed.  We’re big hearted that way.)
  4. Quit bragging that you’re a billionaire.  It’s rude to talk about money in public.  Besides, there is still a recession going on out there.  Poor, unemployed people receiving food stamps are not at all interested in your lucrative financial situation.
  5. If you are going to campaign that you will increase employment, create more jobs, tell us how you will do it.  (Us aging into Medicare and Social Security Baby Boomers have heard it all before.  We want specifics.  We do not believe anyone who promises “a chicken in every pot” or “forty acres and a mule.”)
  6. Get some experience in political office, such as town council representative, or dogcatcher.  (In spite of what you may have heard, president of the P.T.A. does not count.)
  7. Remember that every memo, email, text or Twitter you have ever authored will be discovered by your opponent’s Muck Raking and Dirty Tricks Department.  If you have ever failed to stand when the America flag went by, have had sex with anyone outside your marriage, or have partaken in recreational drugs, someone somewhere has a photo of that and it Will Make the National News.  (If you haven’t voted in any election in the last 25+ years, you’d best set your sights no higher than dogcatcher, not as future resident of the capitol building.)
  8. If you have a spouse and children, you’d best trot them out for the public we’re-just-like-everyone-else photo opp.  Not showing off your family makes the public wonder what’s wrong with them.  (Clearly Sarah Palin didn’t mind showing off her Down’s Syndrome child, and her very pregnant, unmarried, teen-aged daughter.  Who knew the Appalachian Mountains were in Alaska, too.)

One Response to Political Tips

  1. David George says:

    What, no comments? This was a VERY clever and wisdom-filled bit of sarcasm! Political foils, be warned. The electorate is not as dumb as we sometimes appear. Now, if the WINNERS can just figure out how to govern through compromise and respect. Hmmm, a tall order.

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